Oh My God... Its a Feeling.

Recently, my sweet boyfriend and me, broke up. Yes, I know, heartbreaking right. But check this out: In the midst of my grief process, I've had an awareness that has radically changed my life. In fact, this awareness is so life-changing, I wish to reveal my most vulnerable self and share an insight that I want everyone to know.

I was talking with a friend about why this process has been so challenging. Yes, he was my first true love (and so cute at that!) and the first relationship where I practiced conscious loving, but the real challenge has been taking back all that I've projected onto him. I made him into the classic "knight in shiny armor," the one who was going to rescue me, complete me and make all of my dreams come true.

So, my friend asks me, "Nick, what is so hard about this break up for you?" There's the given, I feel sad because I feel so much love for this person, but in that moment, a wave of fear rushed into my belly. A familiar and deep fear. As I sat with my feelings, I heard the words, "I'll never feel this good about anybody ever again, I'll never have the love I want." (Pop Quiz: At what age, did I make up this story?)

In my recent years, I've discovered that fear is simply a racy body-sensation at the bottom of my belly. A sort of butterflies in the tummy, but with no breath. Here I am, making my life and my dreams of true love about him, but in the process, totally avoiding any fear that might actually keep me from enjoying genuine love in the first place.

I've been unwilling to feel my fear and keep making my dreams, my happiness and my love about someone else. In fact, I realized the fear I felt, talking about "never having the love I want," was exact feeling, the exact fear, that I felt 10-minutes before I met my now, ex-boyfriend.

Funny how that works. So, where am I going with all this?

Often times we do things to distract ourselves from feeling our feelings, making life and love about other people, when it really comes down to a unwillingness to source our feelings in ourselves. If we want good luck in love, we have to be willing to feel the fear that keeps love out.

I've been running around, trying to get others to love me, but I've been unwilling to love myself, all of me, first - especially my fear. I've been creating love and relationships from a place of fear and control, not from a place that I'm already whole and complete. So that whether they stay or go, I'm still here, enjoying myself, as the man of MY dreams.

Today, my invitation: What fear might be keeping you from having the love you want? What feeling might be taking up the space, for the really good things to show up in life? Remember, life always mirrors back to us where we're at, on the inside. Today, take a breath, feel your fear and let somebody love you. Let love stay, feel your fear, today.